Skip to main content

Feeling a little more responsible

It’s time for a change. A life overhaul if you will. I have wasted so much time feeling sorry for myself, blaming the world when things went wrong. Or blaming myself and getting depressed and frustrated... but not doing anything productive or making an effort to change the circumstances I was in. I’m tired of always getting second best simply because that is all I have aimed for. Over the years I have developed an almost learned helplessness. I get into trouble, mess up, then fall back on the people I love and they fix it for me (when it is usually my own mistake). For example I am terrible with money. Absolutely awful. I will agree to do anything at any time regardless of cost, then turn around and realise I can’t pay my phone bill, or afford the bus, or food. Then someone bails me out. I thought moving out would automatically turn me into an adult. I would become responsible over night. Well it turns out I actually have to make an effort and work at this type of thing. It is the same with university. I whinge and moan because I don’t get amazing grades, and yet I’ve never made any effort. I don’t go to lectures, barely make it to 50% of tutorials, and think 3 hours is the most amount of time anyone should ever spend on a piece of assessment. It is not that I am lazy (or not entirely)... more that I am terrified. What if I put in a lot effort...and I still do badly? I don't do too well now because I don’t try, but what does it say about me if I do badly when I do try? This is the reason I have been failing at life so much lately. I am so scared of trying my hardest and it still turning into a colossal disaster. I don’t think I want to be a teacher, but I have never given myself the chance to want to be simply because I have it in my mind that I would not do well. From now on, it’s effort and happiness. Even if I do fail, I will fail with a huge goddamn smile on my face. Because I’ll know that I gave life all that I could give, and I made the biggest mark on the world that I could.

Labels

Labels:

Comments

Brandi said…
I think you struggle with something a lot of people do -- fear of giving it your all and failing. But I think it's important to live life with real gusto and decide that if you fail, you're going to fail grandly, having really given something a try. It's really in you to do everything you want to do, everything you dream about. You just have to decide where to start. For me, it helps to write my intentions on a wall -- the one I face when I wake up every morning and the one I see right before I walk out of the door. As for the money management issue, you should try Mint.com -- it's got a great way of organizing all your accounts for you and it'll help you create a budget. It's a little thing, but it's a start.
September 8, 2010 at 9:23 PM
a work in progress said…
just to know that someone else feels the way i sometimes do has helped me so much more than you will ever know...

thankyou for being brave enough to write this. i, for one, see my own reflection here.
October 10, 2010 at 8:23 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Guest Post: Vanisha

Hey guys, here is the last guest post and I couldn't have picked someone better (if I do say so myself). I have only known Vanisha's blog for a short time but I'm already hooked. It's funny, honest and there are always beautiful photos to drool over. PLUS she lives in Canberra and does a much better job of summing up my awesome home-town than I do. Enjoy! Hello! I'm Vanisha from Vanisha's In Life...Australia  Kaylia invited me to write a guest post whilst she's on her fabulous holiday! Being asked to write a guest post almost feels like being invited into someone's home. I'm honored. Kaylia said write about "anything" so I thought I'd write about an amazing trip I recently took.  A lot of people find it odd that of all places, we decided to got to Timor Lestse. Let me preface this decision a little. It all started in front of this fire place in the middle of winter in the Kangaroo Valley. Two acquaintances sat. Trying to get war...
232 comments
Read more

Guest post from Deidre of Decoybetty

Here is another guest post from a fabulous blogger; this time it's Deidre from Decoybetty. This blog is one of the funniest, most honest, most inspiring blog around (with the occasional dash of delicious recipes to boot). Check out her beautiful blog at www.decoybetty.com and you'll see why she is one of my all-time favourites. Guest post: When Kaylia asked me to write a guest post, I stared at the blank screen and the only things that came to mind is how every post that Kaylia writes, I read along going “Yes! Yes! Yes!”  This girl writes (albeit way more eloquently) what I’m thinking.  But you read her blog, you know how fabulous she is.   She recently wrote about the ‘anonymity’ of travel. I’m addicted to this feeling.  I’m an expat. I was born in America and got my first taste of Australia in the young adult book “Looking for Alibrandi” where a teenager skips school to hang out with a boy which is basically all the things I am not. I’d never skip school and I didn’t r...
189 comments
Read more

Guest post: Courtney from Vintch

Hey all, here is a guest post from one of my  favourite bloggers: Courtney from Vintch . I have been reading this lovely lady's blog for over a year and am so honoured to have her doing this guest post for me. You'll see once you read her beautiful writing why she has quickly become a must-read on so many people's lists. On finding her voice My mama hates mayonnaise and is not fond of hanging baskets. My dad has Dallas Cowboys pajama pants and a penchant for ranch dip. And I am their daughter. I slept one floor above them for 21 years, until the night before my wedding when I crawled into my twin bed and cried, my cheek warm against the cotton sheets, my hands wrapped around the cracked gold posts. I cried not because I was scared or nervous about the wedding, but because I would never again sleep there. Never again hang my feet off the side and onto the carpet. Never talk to my sister in the dark until we both fell asleep mid sentence. It was bittersweet and ...
228 comments
Read more