thoughts about love

When I was kid I never wanted to get married. Ever. I was too busy thinking about how to take over the world (for the good of mankind of course... I learned later that it's called a dictatorship..) than to ever think seriously about the opposite sex. Don't get me wrong, I did plan on having a boyfriend one day. I  was going to meet some easy going guy who was madly in love with me and I would grace him with my presence maybe once a month. I was never going to be in love though. Not only was I completely against the idea of letting myself love someone, but I did not believe in it at all. I mean, divorce statistics speak for themselves. What was particularly perplexing to me was that not only can people fall in love, people can fall out of love. How can so much trust be placed on something that seems to come and go faster than the seasons change? And people just keep on going back for more. Not for me. No thanks. 

And when I met Joel I felt the same way. Here was a cool easy going guy, I wouldn't mind spending some weekends with him. We liked the same stuff. It could be cool to have someone to take to parties. But then it all backfired.

Weekends were suddenly not enough. I found myself wanting to see him as much as possible. I thought about him all the time. And everything changed.

Things that had never bothered me started to bother me. Emotions got in the way. Things become messy, and complicated. Wonderful, yes. But complicated. 

I started to get why people would tell me that being in a relationship was hard. People are always saying that. You always hear people talking about how they 'want to be single for a while, it's less complicated'. But then I thought about it. Being single was complicated too. Not only because of things relating to the opposite sex (why hasn't he called me? etc. etc.), But because of life. 

Life is complicated. 

It doesn't matter who you're with, if you're in love or not, there will always be some sort of complication. It may not be fair, but then, what is? I guess I had succumbed to the hollywood notion after all. That once you fall in love there will be fairy-tale ending. Everything is perfect from that moment on. And if you do fight you have silly fights, over things such as what to get at the grocery store. They will be cute fights, fights you look back on and laugh. But let me tell you, fights over what to get at the grocery store can suddenly mean the world to you. They can make or break a relationship. 

And now I find myself, the one who never wanted to get married, thinking about things like seating plans and hair appointments. And other horribly trivial things that I never wanted. I can just see 16 year old me shaking her head in disapproval. And fear. I am signing up to spend the rest of my life with someone. I am relying on love to keep us together when it is not something set in stone, it can disappear without warning, and so many times is not even enough in itself. 

But I guess, when you think about it, we're just a boy and a girl who like the same things, think the other just fascinating, and can't imagine a life apart. Out of all the complicated things in life, this doesn't really seem that complicated at all. In fact, I couldn't imagine anything more simple right now.