Thank you guys for your nice comments! I might put up photos when I get them, I’m a bit embarrassed though! But seriously, you guys made my day :)
This past week has been a crazy, confusing one. I have been on top of the world one day, feeling like I can do anything I put my mind to; but then the next day seeing just how limited my options are and crashing all over again.
I don’t think that I am very good at this whole growing up thing. I see my friends; with their fancy office jobs, their new things, their stability and think: ‘why couldn’t I be satisfied with what they have?’
I feel like I missed out on the graduation ceremony. The one where all of my friends got promoted to the role of ‘adult’, and I’m stuck here in this in-between phase.
I just can’t be realistic. It’s not who I am. Or rather it WAS, a long time ago, but it’s not anymore.
We’re told when we are younger that we can do anything we put our minds to. But as soon as we pass the age of fifteen, we settle. Because that’s what we’re expected to do. I tried to. I really did. I went to uni like a good little girl, got my degree that could set me up in an office job for life; but then realised that I CANNOT WORK IN AN OFFICE and went back to do another degree. Put an adult life on hold for a while.
At Christmas I realised I only have one year left before that’s it. My CAREER would begin. In 12 months. So I went part-time to drag it out that one year longer.
I don’t know if I want to be a teacher. Some part of me really does of course. It’s great. It’s rewarding. But then another part of me wants more.
Sorry for harping on and on about the same subject. But this is what I have been thinking about constantly these last few weeks.
I don’t understand my friends at all. I wish I did, but I don’t. Where did the kids go that knew that they could do anything they dreamed? When was a grown-up job the only option?
They’re happy. They’re really happy actually.
But I can’t be happy that way.
I don’t want to ever have an office-based career. I don’t ever want to have a stable 9-5 job. I want excitement, passion, adventure. I want to travel the world. I want to create. I want to change lives. And yes, I’m pretty resigned to poverty as well.
One thing I hate is this indecisiveness. This fear. Because it’s all well and good to say all of this; but what if I try and fail? What if I end up ears deep in debt, wishing I had settled for safe? So I’m talking, researching and slowly testing out the options. But I’m also finishing off my degree.
It doesn’t feel like the best of both worlds right now. It feels like a juggling act. Half-halfheartedly doing both and something has to give.
I wrote a list the other day. Of all the things that I’m good at. All of the things I would love to do with my life. And it didn’t help me at all.
It is the same list I would have written ten years ago.
It is completely unrealistic. Crazy, even.
I do NOT like not knowing where I am going. It is something I have always avoided. It is scary. Very, very scary.
Exciting as well, some days, because of all the opportunities stretching out before me. Suffocating at others, because those ‘opportunities’ may never be feasible.
So I ask you, dear readers. Do any of you have any advice? Is anyone else in the same boat? Have any of you given a big middle-finger salute to the world and just gone for it, realism be damned?
xoxo
Comments
No matter what, it's better than the sinking feeling in my stomach that the 9 to 5 job I once attempted gave me every single day I was there. No regrets!
And if you know WHAT you want to do then by all means go for it with everything you have; you really can't fail as long as you stick with it.
It can only hurt if you don’t. When a person goes against their gut and follows the status quo - just because it's safe and sensible - I believe they cut off their connection to God and what is truly living within them.
It's not easy when your path diverges from others. It calls attention to what you are doing. And might make others question what their spirit is trying to tell them. It’s also possible that the right path for them is working this office job and having babies. It doesn’t matter, because everyone has their own purpose. As far as your mission is concerned: history shows us that really great advances (personally and for society as a whole) were not made by taking the path well traveled.
From personal experience, I can tell you that the best things I have and the most fulfilling experiences of my life (thus far) have come from that decision to jump with no idea what lay beneath. It sounds like your heart (and gut) are telling you to pursue something.
Let the cliff-diving begin!!
(If you need some fuel you might try volunteering for 6 months or a year in a different country - where you learn a new language and help people. There is no better fuel for the heart, for the pen ((you are a great writer)), or for giving you space to think about what your mission is in life.)
Back to working a million different jobs...I started my degree when i was 33 years old. But i told myself it wasn't a degree...I was doing one unit at a time via Open Uni, working casual (full-time hrs but no contract) and had a rental home with no lease...all so i could leave at a moments notice ;) I'm still here, almost 7 yrs later though! And now I AM committed to my degree, though even that is constantly being tweaked and honed and gradually gradually I am getting closer to being the me i wish to be. I still have no money really, and I have nothing to show (materially) for my time on earth so far. But you know what? I am doing something that feels RIGHT. I have NO DEBT. (which is more than anyone with a home loan can say...)
YOU do what is right for YOU, WHEN it is right for you...
Fuck what everyone else thinks. Nietzsche said to live one's real life you should be willing to do every second of it again. Over and over. for eternity. And be ok with that. All the good AND all the bad. I'm ok with that, and it sounds like you will be too :)
sorry for massive comment!
I am so glad I found your blog :)
Hugs xoxoxo
all i can say is, research. utilize the internet, books, articles, whatever. figure out what careers you would enjoy doing. for example, are you good at writing and do you like visiting tons of different places?places? maybe you should consider travel journalism? something along those lines. to do something wonderful and creative and fulfilling, you'll most likely have to think outside the box.
in the meantime, i'm still searching for my "dream".
p.s. you have such relatable posts!
I am still pursuing my initial dream and hope to eventually have my dream job, I just need to realize that it may not happen in the next couple years, or even 10 years (that one is a bit harder to grasp!)...one day you will just have a light bulb go off and you will know what you are meant to do and what will please you in life and how to attain these dreams and aspirations! Keep dreaming big!
Just don't give up. Believe in yourself. One step at a time dear. Once you got the rhythm, you'll work your way up. Trust me
Have a great weekend!:D
***** Marie *****
allthingsmarie.com
wanting more passion and adventures as I journey this life!
All the best to you~*
Also my advice on the whole last of uni thing is don't worry about your marks. Focus on internships and volunteering.
I am resigned to having a "real" job for a few years in hopes that afterwards I'll be able to live more of a dream job later...but I am still holding out for a job a love and a job that'll make a difference.
I also hate not knowing where I am going to be in the next month...which is a constant reality for me being unemployed.
xx Aquí
but it's not impossible! i know people, in real life, who have successfully made their hobbies a full time job. they all say it took about 4-5 years before they could quit side jobs and make something profitable of their passions, but they did it. i am extremely inspired by these people and i am working towards that reality.
one thing that has helped me TREMENDOUSLY is going through "the artist's way" book. don't be fooled by the title, it's not for people who are already artists. it's really for everybody who has dreams for a better life in the career world. i highly recommend you go through it too. i just can't say enough how helpful it has been for me.