After reading everyone's goals for the coming year, I decided that maybe I should make a goal for myself. One that I should have made a long time ago.
That goal is to forgive.
Not to forgive any person nor any in event in particular. But to incorporate this word into a way of life.
I for one, find people who just cannot let things go very frustrating. In fact I really hate to see that trait in people.
But I guess what we dislike the most in other people is what really bothers us about ourselves. At least I'm that way.
The more you care about someone, the more you hurt when they mess up. And it can be really hard to move on. Saying the words 'I forgive you' is easy. Almost too easy. Sometimes it's difficult to say what you really mean. But it's always easy to say what you don't. And there comes a point when you have to say those words. Even if you don't mean them. Because it has been too long. And you can't stand people who can't forgive. And so you pretend you have.
But then, when something goes wrong, maybe something doesn't even have to go wrong, maybe you're just tired of holding it all in, you bring it up again. But talking doesn't make it better. Neither does dwelling. It just makes it so much worse.
And all involved end up feeling horrible. And nothing is resolved.
I am not saying that anyone has done anything awful to me. I have been very lucky in that I have always been surrounded by wonderful kind-hearted people. People who have always made me feel special and loved.
But it's inevitable that when you spend so much time and so many years with someone, whether they be family, friends or lovers; that you will end up hurting each other at some point.
I know I have hurt the people I love. Many times. And they forgive me. So easily.
I don't want to walk around feeling sorry for myself. Or resenting people for past wrongs that I have sometimes given back ten-fold. For being unable to move on.
And so this is a promise to myself, and the people around me, that I will forgive. I will forgive with all my heart. And not let resentment get in the way of love.
Because for my 22 years on this planet, I have held a lot of resentment. I feel uncomfortable, exposing all of my bad traits on this blog, but I guess these words have become an extension of myself. And you can't change if you don't acknowledge everything. The good and the bad.
So I am going to start forgiving. Even the little things. The little things by the people I never really knew but have still let weigh me down all the same. The things I have held on to for much too long.
To the girl in 4th grade who bullied me unmercifully: I forgive you
To the boy in 6th grade who pretended he liked me to make others laugh: I forgive you
To all the kids who made fun of my buck-teeth: I forgive you
To the boy who I never knew who told me I was ugly: I forgive you
To the boy at uni who told everyone I had slept with him: I forgive you
To the girl who sent me nasty emails when I was 18: I forgive you
To all of the customers that swore at & insulted myself and the rest of the staff: I forgive you.
I forgive all of you. For everything. Whole-heartedly. And I will continue to go on forgiving. And moving on. And not holding in resentment that doesn't help anyone, least of all myself.
To my friends and family: I forgive you. For everything. And I'm sorry for the times I held onto things for far too long. I really am. Thank you for forgiving me. Every time. And for being the kind of people I hope to one day become.