Friday, May 27, 2011

Shut up....Me?

Sometimes I wonder if we’re all inherently self-destructive. If, when it comes down to it, we are our own worst enemies.

Sometimes this is manifested in obvious ways, like eating disorders and alcoholism. But most of the time it’s hidden below the surface. Hidden where no one else can see it.

But the damage is just as real.

It could be nasty comments to yourself: an ‘I’m so disgusting’ when looking in the mirror, a ‘look at how fat my thighs are’ when trying on what was before that day your favourite dress. It could be negative thoughts like ‘no one likes me’ when people are too busy with exams or work to see you, or an ‘I’m so stupid’ when you make one mistake. It could be doing small self-destructive things that others can’t see or can’t see for what they are, like looking at a facebook you shouldn’t, binge eating because you’re sad, or starting an argument with a loved one simply because you need a reason to hurt.

I see it around me every day, both in myself and others. This urge to inflict emotional pain on ourselves, to put ourselves down, to talk about ourselves in way that we would never talk about anyone else.

To judge ourselves in a way that we would never judge anyone else.

To belittle ourselves for being human.

So I’m taking a stand. Against myself. Because it’s high time I started treating myself the way I deserve to be treated. And stopped being such a bitch.

So here’s to giving ourselves a break. And to becoming a little nicer and a whole lot happier in the process.


Monday, May 23, 2011

I wouldn't mind the satisfaction of being awesome...

As I am rather hopeless, I tend to discuss things a good two weeks-a month after they have happened. This is no exception. Back at the beginning of April I was browsing a job site when I came across an ad for a Dental Assistant position. Exciting right? Well in fact it was. Because listed on the ad under 'you will enjoy' was:

-free parking
-a rewarding career
-the satisfaction of being awesome

The satisfaction of being awesome?!

I wanted the satisfaction of being awesome!!!

I don't think I have ever been so excited about a job before. I figured that they must be the coolest people ever. Rather than a dental assistant job, I may have gotten carried away and pictured a place quite similar to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

So I commissioned my brother (who is much much funnier than me) to write a cover letter in response to the ad. This is what he came up with:


To whom it may concern,

I wish to apply for the Dental Assistant (and so much more) position advertised at on the 12th of April, 2011.

Although your advertisement specifically said that no experience was necessary, I would not like my vast experience with working with teeth to go unrecognised.

I have owned and looked after my own set of teeth for the past 20 years. Admittedly I did lose quite a few of them during the early years, but somehow they seem to have grown back. I feel as if this is quite impressive.

In the past I worked as Assistant Manager in the coffee shop Gloria Jeans, and every other worker in the store also had their own set of teeth. This shows that I am able to work well in a tooth filled environment without feeling intimidated. I feel it should also be noted that during my time there, every single worker retained every one of their teeth.

In my current job as an Office Administrator at All Suburbs Cleaning Agency, the teeth to staff ratio is significantly less impressive, but that is simply due to the age of the staff working there, and not due to any fault of my own. They were like that when I got there. I am under the impression that working in a dentist office would mean that I would have to endure lengthy periods of time with people lacking in teeth, and I believe that I’ve proved that I would be up to this task without fear or repulsion.

In terms of my education, I have completed a Bachelor of Arts at the ANU, and am now studying Education at the UC, which shows that I am able to recognise when a particular pathway is a dead-end, as well as retain my teeth under pressure.

I am a confident person, friendly, and am able to present myself in a very professional manner. I am able to work autonomously as well as in a team environment, and believe that my experience and teeth will be an asset to the team. Thank you for taking the time to consider my application. I look forward to the opportunity of meeting with you and discussing how awesome I will have the satisfaction of being should I get the position.

Yours sincerely,

Kaylia Payne

Great, right? I love my brother.

But in conclusion I got an interview, and it was not like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. At. All. In fact, they were the most professional, boring group of people I have ever met.

I still cry at night from the disappointment.

But hey, at least I got this cover letter out of it :)

Friday, May 20, 2011

Lighting the World

In my Science class this semester, I learned two things that really stuck with me:

That a luminous object is one that produces light.

And that a non-luminous object is one that reflects light.

While it may have been the three coffees consumed within the hour, the days and nights spent studying holed up my room with only a laptop and one of my cats for company, or that I read entirely too much into things; but isn’t this the truest thing you have ever read?

And I thought to myself:

I want to be luminous.

I don’t want to reflect other's second hand light. I want to glow. I want to light the world.

And I want to encourage others to light the world with me.

So let’s all go out there and be as luminous as only we know how.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

10 Tips for Surviving in a One-Bedroom Apartment

Before I start, I just want to say that I love my apartment. Love it. But sometimes the lack of space can be...difficult to say the least. So I have comprised a list of ways that encourage you to make the most of the two rooms (No, not two bedrooms. Two rooms) that you have.

Tip 1: Get a cat. Nothing is more fun than vacuuming up cat hair constantly. And when you forget, it can be quite amusing to watch your cat walk around the house eating its own hair off of the carpet.

This will also result in its throwing up, which gives you the added bonus of having to clean it up. You will be doing this so often you won’t even notice the lack of space.

Having a cat also saves money in terms of plants, flowers, Christmas trees and any hanging decorations. Why? Because you can’t have them. The cat will eat them. Poisonous flowers? You bet. House plants? It will eat THE ENTIRE THING. Tinsel? Yum yum.

Tip 2: Get a second cat. Because the first cat will be lonely, and that’s no fun. Then the cats can amuse each other by racing around the house at 2am. Their favourite place to run will be over your head. In your sleep deprived state, you will be too tired to care about lack of space.

You will also have the pleasure of discovering that the second cat likes to hide your slippers. Looking for your slippers makes you realise how big your apartment actually is. There are so many great places to hide things!

Tip 3: Don’t buy a dryer. It’s much more fun to wear wet clothes during winter. Shivering is a great way to lose weight, right?

Tip 4: Forget that you live next door to people and put a picture up at 11pm. As you have not learned how to put hooks or nails in yet, use blu-tack. Get it to stay up by banging on it really really really hard.

Lie back and enjoy your neighbour’s retaliation at 9am on a Saturday morning, as he decides to drill into the wall. This will force you to get up early and make the most of the day. Win-win.

Tip 5: Become a drug addict (Note: this step I have not followed just yet). There are so many dealers parked in the driveway to the apartment that it just seems silly to pass up the opportunity.

Tip 6: Make sure that your balcony door locks itself when you shut it. Don’t notice this until you have gone onto the balcony in your towel, one hour before you’re due at work.

Tip 7: Buy a work out video. Make sure it’s something completely ridiculous like ‘Go-Go Dancing’. Realise that you look hilarious when you do it. Get up really early to exercise so that your partner can’t see you. Now you can call yourself a morning person and feel superior.

Tip 8: Sprain your ankle. Getting up and down six flights of stairs has never been so exciting!

Tip 9: As you don’t have a glass door for the shower, buy a shower curtain. One you can’t see through. Remember that you are deathly afraid of showers after years of horror movie viewing. Spend your shower peeking fearfully around the curtain ever few seconds in case there is a murderer. This will get the endorphins racing, making sure that you are completely awake nice and early.

Tip 10: Leave the grill on. After six hours it will start to spark dramatically. It will be like having your very own fireworks in your apartment!

Bonus Tip: Write a blog post about it :)

Monday, May 16, 2011

So I guess I'm offically a grown-up now *waits for congratulatory letter*

I was looking around the dinner table at my family on Mother’s Day, basking in the laughter and sense of home, when I was hit with a startling realisation:


So have my friends for that matter. I didn’t even notice until that moment.

My best friend is currently in America living with her man. My other best friend is running the marketing campaigns for the university that I attend. My younger sister went to England for six months last year and brought back a boy, who she's planning on moving out with soon. My little brother has almost finished his Medical Science degree and is studying to get into Medicine. My friends from university are now settled into fancy full-time jobs with titles that I don’t understand. My new friends are married with babies. And Joel has a permanent job as associate producer for a well-known video games company.

Everyone is growing up around me.

And I feel like I have been left behind.

I don’t have a full-time job in my future. Currently the plan is to finish my teaching degree, then go BACK to uni to do post-grad English Literature, which will hopefully get me into Masters, which will hopefully lead into some sort of academic job that allows me to never actually leave university.

Reasonable and responsible, huh?

The thing is, yes I am married and living out of home, but that’s kind of all down to Joel being responsible and good at saving and me just coming along for the ride.

So while it was a lovely day and my mum was spoiled rotten, when I got home that night and was left to my thoughts, I couldn’t help but feel a bit dejected. Would I ever be bitten by the ‘adult’ bug like everyone else? Or will I always be this hopeless?

It wasn’t until this weekend, when I organised my room, cleaned the house, washed two weeks worth of laundry and froze some dinners and homemade muesli bars for the week, that I realised I too am grown up.

How did I not notice this before?

I guess I was always expecting it to be this moment. This exciting, life-changing moment. And I’ll admit, I did sort of expect some fanfare and maybe a ‘doo-wop’ group to serenade me with a song all about how grown up I now was.

But I also realised something. Yes I may be able to pay bills on time. Yes, I can now officially cook, rather than eating toast or chips for dinner every night. Yes, I have learned that studying and awesome grades go hand in hand (after six years of uni...). And yes, now when I want something to happen, I make it happen; rather than waiting for someone else to do it for me.

BUT being grown up doesn’t mean that YOU inherently change. You do things because it’s necessary, because no one else is going to do it for you; but you don’t really become all that wiser. I certainly haven’t.

I’m always going to pick fun over responsible. I’ll always put my savings into an overseas trip, rather than something boring and sensible. I’ll always pick cookie dough over vegetables. I’ll always spend money I shouldn’t at a book sale. I’ll always drink a little bit too much wine. I’ll always be chasing unreasonable dreams and refusing to settle for ordinary.

But I’ll also always pay the mortgage. And leave enough money aside for food, petrol and birthday gifts. And study when I need to. And get my car fixed when it’s broken (except for when one headlight is broken and I feel lazy...damn my need to truth-tell on this blog) and get medication when I’m sick.

Being an adult doesn’t mean changing. It just means doing what you need to do to get by. Taking responsibility for your life and future. And not letting other people down.

My grown up friends and family? They still do some stupid things. They still dance and laugh and love like teenagers. They are still filled with child-like wonder at the idea of carnivals and fireworks. They still like to lick the bowl after baking a cake. They just manage to fit the boring necessary stuff in between all of the fun things.

And I guess I do too.

Growing up isn’t as painfully boring as I thought. In fact, it’s kind of nice.