Iris of Bring Your Own Vegetables referred to ‘imposter syndrome’ in a comment on my last post, which was such brilliant timing because it described exactly how I have been feeling this last week. THINGS have been happening. Wonderful things. And all I have been thinking is ‘when is this going to blow up in my face.’
About six months ago I decided that I needed to begin taking chances. I needed to begin working at what I love, rather than simply focusing on what is safe. And I have always adored writing, which I had sadly forgotten until I began to blog back in August last year; so I have poured my heart and soul into it since making my decision.
And it’s working out. Better than I could ever have imagined.
I have had two articles published in HerCanberra, and have gotten the opportunity to begin writing for lip, who have been reading religiously since I discovered it last year. I have also begun to stick my greedy little fingers into the freelance pie, which I am quite excited about.
But with each success, I have begun to feel more and more uneasy. Why are things working out? Can’t people tell that I am not really any good? That I am just one big fraud?
And so I have been holding my breath, waiting to be found out.
Then last night, as I came home feeling so tired of waiting for it all to fall apart, I got a letter. One of my short stories has been short-listed in a national short-story competition. One that I was absolutely convinced that I would never hear back from. And I have been invited to read it out at the ceremony where they announce the winners. While I am unable to attend anyway, even if I could I realised that I would be too embarrassed to read it out. Because all I could think was ‘once I read it out-loud, they’ll realise how bad it is and kick me out of the competition.’
It was at that moment that I really despised myself. Here I am, getting handed these wonderful opportunities, and I am turning them into something negative. Yes, maybe all this lead-up will be for nothing and I’ll fail miserably; but why am I being such a cry-baby about it all? Good things are happening! And I have been too busy wallowing in low self-esteem and pessimism to celebrate.
Why can it sometimes be so difficult to just sit back and enjoy the good things? Why are we always peering fear-fully around the corner for what is coming next?
I want to be able to celebrate when I succeed, and admit that maybe, just maybe, not all of it is down to luck. Which can be a difficult thing to do, but it is so very important. Because without confidence, we will eventually fail simply due to our own (often un-founded) fear and anxiety; rather than our actual ability.
So let’s go out this weekend and celebrate our achievements. I mean really celebrate them. Give ourselves the pats on the back that we deserve and try not to feel like imposters while we're doing it. Because you know what? We worked hard, and we deserve it.
So what will you be celebrating this weekend? (And don't say 'nothing', I read all of your blogs and I have never seen such a group of over-achievers in all my life!)
xoxo
ps. I got a blog award from the wonderful Hazel of Pablo’s Angel. I recently found her blog and I love it!
Comments
I know that celebration is the order here, and while I am definitely getting that celebratory feeling here, I want you to know that I am getting something else from this post. I am taking away a very brave feeling. When we get over our fears, we allow ourselves to feel brave about future endeavors. Maybe it is a happy byproduct of what you've written here, but I'm going to go with it!! :)
So, thank you for spreading the good and positive feelings!!
xox
i do this to myself all the time, like when you were complimenting me on my photography and I said I was my own worse critic.
but this weekend i'll celebrate my skills instead. I'll try and remember that while i'm not a professional, i have a pretty good knack for it considering i've never been trained and that's pretty cool.
thanks for this post :)
I dunno why. I think of the time, I finally got a short story in some local publication. And well, I wasn't sure if I should mention it to anyone at work. There was a volunteer, an old man who liked to write too and wanted me to read his stuff. So I felt kind of obligated to share my story with him. He read it. Gave me this strange look. "This is pure porn." I didn't think it was quite like that. "Got anymore..."
Hope you have a happy weekend. Not sure if should go for skinny margaritas. They just aren't sweet enough, nor strong enough for that matter.
this weekend I shall be celebrating the success of my own balancing act - work, uni, love-, family-, social lives, and much needed quiet time. because it's bloody hard sometimes!
congratulations again girlie! you earned it, remember that :)
xoxo
And I too used to have a demon like that living inside me, whenever life was going good, I'd hold my breath just knowing that something horrible would happen to make it all disappear. I'm not sure when or how, but sometime a few years ago that little demon finally moved on. I think when I started loving me and knowing that I was deserving and valid. And you obviously are too! Check out how amazing you are!! The proof is in your success :-) x
I will be celebrating being in graduate school and ...err learning (doing homework).
"Because without confidence, we will eventually fail simply due to our own (often un-founded) fear and anxiety; rather than our actual ability." -- this line really resonated with me. I am also considering, and almost decided, for a career & life change, and what you have said is so true. Thank you for the inspiration.
AnnaXXX
check out my fashion blog?
http://wispyandsmitten.blogspot.com/
I have been feeling the same way a bit - although I am not quite as awesome as you are about getting things done - I did recently have two blogg-y break throughs.
this weekend I am doing some job applications...EXCITING. and buying plane tickets for a vacation which is SERIOUSLY exciting.
This weekend I'm gonna celebrate music ! Coz I love it and I just went to a festival :))
*Erin
Seriously, though, I'm so proud of you and happy for you and wishing you alllllllll the good things in life.
Because I love you.
<333
http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
Twitter: @GlamKitten88
In my work, I am surrounded by brilliant people. Most of the time they are male, and this feeds into the impostor syndrome (as likely it would for any minority), but people feel it all the time. "I don't belong here." "I'm not as smart as them." I just keep telling myself, they wouldn't have accepted me to this program if I didn't belong here.
It's a long an arduous journey, but today I'll celebrate...my arts & craftiness :)
Oh, and congrats on the recognition of your work. That is so great!
I have the hardest time taking compliments on my writing. Writing is not like math. It's easy to know when you're good at math. But writing, your goodness is relative to the person reading it. How scary is that shit?
But you are so right. I need to stop thinking that way!!! Maybe, just maybe, we can admit that we are kick-ass. And be alright with it!
Me, prepping for law school. More work than I thought it would be :)
seven-percentsolution.blogspot.com
Sounds like you're learning some very valuable lessons, and I wish you all the best!
Believe in yourself and your abilites, and others will too. :)
And meanwhile, congratulations on all your successes. I'm sure they are well deserved, and I'm glad you're giving yourself permission to revel in them. Hurrah!
There's a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson that says, "What we seek we shall find; what we flee from flees from us.”
Embrace success in this hour--NEVER doubt that you don't deserve it! Though things might seem as though they're rushing, remember, success comes rapidly to those who are already prepared for it's arrival. You're FULLY prepared to take on EVERYTHING that this "patch of success" has brough to your doorsteps. Go get'em!
I've been designing for boutiques in Hawaii and ones in my city! I'm pretty siked about it ;-) More to come. I'll be posting some new designs Friday. Stay tuned!
It's hard to accept good things in our lives sometimes because it usually doesn't come without a price. The mentality is: Things are going way too well right now--something bad is bound to happen. I hate feeling like that. Instead of focusing on what COULD be, we need to focus on what IS. And with that said, I need to take my own advice, hahah.
Congrats to you, lady! What an accomplishment!
seriously, can't wait to read more.
You are incredibly brave to write and follow your dream! Embrace it! I'm so happy for you! This is why I write my blog to share in other people's happiness.