Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Feeling a little more responsible

It’s time for a change. A life overhaul if you will. I have wasted so much time feeling sorry for myself, blaming the world when things went wrong. Or blaming myself and getting depressed and frustrated... but not doing anything productive or making an effort to change the circumstances I was in. I’m tired of always getting second best simply because that is all I have aimed for. Over the years I have developed an almost learned helplessness. I get into trouble, mess up, then fall back on the people I love and they fix it for me (when it is usually my own mistake). For example I am terrible with money. Absolutely awful. I will agree to do anything at any time regardless of cost, then turn around and realise I can’t pay my phone bill, or afford the bus, or food. Then someone bails me out. I thought moving out would automatically turn me into an adult. I would become responsible over night. Well it turns out I actually have to make an effort and work at this type of thing. It is the same with university. I whinge and moan because I don’t get amazing grades, and yet I’ve never made any effort. I don’t go to lectures, barely make it to 50% of tutorials, and think 3 hours is the most amount of time anyone should ever spend on a piece of assessment. It is not that I am lazy (or not entirely)... more that I am terrified. What if I put in a lot effort...and I still do badly? I don't do too well now because I don’t try, but what does it say about me if I do badly when I do try? This is the reason I have been failing at life so much lately. I am so scared of trying my hardest and it still turning into a colossal disaster. I don’t think I want to be a teacher, but I have never given myself the chance to want to be simply because I have it in my mind that I would not do well. From now on, it’s effort and happiness. Even if I do fail, I will fail with a huge goddamn smile on my face. Because I’ll know that I gave life all that I could give, and I made the biggest mark on the world that I could.

2 comments:

Brandi said...

I think you struggle with something a lot of people do -- fear of giving it your all and failing. But I think it's important to live life with real gusto and decide that if you fail, you're going to fail grandly, having really given something a try. It's really in you to do everything you want to do, everything you dream about. You just have to decide where to start. For me, it helps to write my intentions on a wall -- the one I face when I wake up every morning and the one I see right before I walk out of the door. As for the money management issue, you should try Mint.com -- it's got a great way of organizing all your accounts for you and it'll help you create a budget. It's a little thing, but it's a start.

a work in progress said...

just to know that someone else feels the way i sometimes do has helped me so much more than you will ever know...

thankyou for being brave enough to write this. i, for one, see my own reflection here.