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Moving On


I spent my weekend in Sydney with Joel. It was good to get away for just a few days; not having to worry about work or school, and just getting to spend some much needed time together. I also learned a few important lessons along the way. Ones that I should have learned long ago, but there is no use regretting the past. Just taking from it what you can and moving on.

We went down to stay in Joel’s old town, the place where he spent his teenage years. I have always hated it there; while I look forward to our trips I loathe the place. Not because of the place itself, but because of all of the memories associated with it. All of the fights, cruel words, comparisons and jealousy are centred around this town and the people within in. And that feeling, the feeling the followed me around for years, that this place, the one that I am not a part of, is where Joel really wants to be. And not with me.

Yes it was childish. But I wasn’t wrong. For a few years, I wasn’t wrong. But people grow and people change. Joel certainly did. The town did as well. But I stayed stuck unhappily in the past, resenting something that didn’t exist anymore, and so, in turn, resenting myself for being unable to move on.

I hadn’t been there in ages. I hadn’t really thought about it for a long time, not until this weekend. And I was nervous. Nervous that I would revert back to who I was so many years ago, unable to move on or let go. That I would replay old memories that I just couldn’t shake no matter how hard I tried.

But when I got there, it was so apparent to me how different everything was. How different I was.I no longer hated the place, and I no longer hated the people. It was just another town, much like the one we live in now.

And after spending the evening exploring the city, drinking cider, watching street artists and playing arcade games, I could feel myself getting lighter. And as we made our way into the dim sweaty concert we had driven up to see, as we held hands while the music soared over us, as I watched everyone, dancing and laughing and having fun, I felt myself letting go completely. Of everything.

And that was the moment I grew up, because it was the moment I learned to forgive.

Comments

SJ said…
it's such a good feeling when you can let go of something. i'm glad you could move on from whatever it was :)
August 10, 2011 at 3:22 PM
nancy said…
wow, that's inspiring. I completely understand that sense of loathing of the past... the fear of slipping back into who you were back then. for me it's a fifteen year old version of myself who I definitely do not want to revert back to... I have shed that skin and I am always so terrified when I think about returning.

I'm so proud of you for being able to let go of that... what a huge accomplishment! I hope that one day I'll be able to do the same :)
August 10, 2011 at 3:45 PM
Sara Louise said…
It seems like you are continuing to grow and grow. Such an inspiration :-)
August 10, 2011 at 3:50 PM
Kari said…
I am so happy for you! Hopefully I grow up soon; I'd love to figure out how to let go.
August 10, 2011 at 4:00 PM
erleichda said…
how true... i have i long way to go to that ... although i am way too older than you ; ) i think the most difficult is to forgive ones self...
i love the notebook doodles by the way- wonderful artist
August 10, 2011 at 5:03 PM
Tuesdai Noelle said…
Good post ;-)

We regroup and rebecome ourselves as time passes by; I'm learning to do that more often, it's good for me. P.S. Your interview's been posted ;-)
August 10, 2011 at 5:09 PM
Miss H said…
That place must have held some horrible memories for you, so glad you've put them all behind you now :)
August 10, 2011 at 7:22 PM
Eleanor at Mirror Of My World said…
so pleased you felt like this and could be free. a beautiful and inspiring post. proud of you!
August 10, 2011 at 8:51 PM
Anna said…
Think we all know the feeling of imbruing a place with an emotion, good or bad. I know there have been places I've avoided because of a bad experience, a bad memory. You put it into words so beautifully.
AnnaX
August 10, 2011 at 9:57 PM
vintch said…
my favorite post of yours. this was a beautiful telling of a metamorphosis. it was important for you to go to that town, dear, to put yourself right smack dab in the midst of that hurt, and come out on the other side. i'm so proud of you!
August 10, 2011 at 11:07 PM
Sandra van Doorn said…
i just discovered your blog via letters in a tree house... letting go, forgiving... sometimes so very hard to do. but when we do we are just that much wiser and it gets easier.i find often time it's how we choose to look at life and situations..easier said then done!
glad you are feeling light and happy, sandra
August 10, 2011 at 11:39 PM
becky said…
OH MY.

You do this too often, lady. Too often you speak every fragment of my mind. I feel exactly the same--though I worry Arnold wants to be with his high-school friends, wherever they are. So rather than these feelings being rooted to a place, they are rooted to people--people who walk in and out of lives. And some of it--some of that worry and tension and anxiety--is not my own making. It is a reaction to the things I have seen and the things I have been coerced to feel. But in the last year or so, I've learned--I've grown. I've had to, for many reasons. But I could always, always do with letting go a bit more. We all can. And you, my love, inspire.

(Did this make any sense? I sure hope so).
August 11, 2011 at 2:38 AM
Ashley Slater said…
um, LOVE this post.

so happy for you that you could come full circle and find happiness in a place that had caused just the opposite. AWESOME!
August 11, 2011 at 4:32 AM
Paige Hadley said…
I think we are all waiting for you to hurry up and write a book now! A memoirs or something! I love every one of your posts 1. because you express yourself so clearly and with such beautiful style and 2. because you take the time to make every post absolutely eye-opening. Reading your blog is constantly surprising, and I think also a valuable experience. i'm very glad that it's possible for outsiders like us to read these beautiful, personal stories, because they really do give us life-changing revelations. Thankyou! XO
August 11, 2011 at 7:00 AM
Deidre said…
Good for you! Letting go can be soooo hard, sometimes it can be comforting holding on to something that isn't serving us any more.

It takes courage to let go, young lady :)
August 11, 2011 at 8:22 AM
Ashley said…
I once heard a great definition of forgiveness, and I carry it with me always: by forgiving, you're letting go of the power someone or something has over you, and letting go of the hope you have in it to fix the problem. Thus, you are regaining back power. :)

Have you heard Don Henley's "Heart of the Matter?" Love it :)
August 11, 2011 at 12:06 PM
Rand T said…
good for you!feels good to move on!x
August 11, 2011 at 11:38 PM
Bonnie said…
I know how you feel. There is this place in small town Illinois where I had many happy memories as a kid, and then I dated (and was kind of engaged to/kind of not) some guy from that area. It was an ugly relationship and an even worse breakup, and now that place is forever ruined in my mind. Anytime I go back there (since I have family that still lives there), I have those bad memories all over again, and I feel like I can't really appreciate the place anymore.
Maybe I need to forgive.

http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
Twitter: @GlamKitten88
August 12, 2011 at 5:00 AM
Aquí said…
I love that moment when I suddenly feel the freedom and strength to let something go. Takes such a weight off your shoulders! Really inspiring :)
August 12, 2011 at 5:54 AM
Kacey said…
What a wonderful story! Such a talented writer. I'm happy to read this at a time when I've just learned to let got of bad feelings I've had toward someone. Funny <3
August 12, 2011 at 11:52 PM
kimbirdy said…
what an absolutely beautiful post! beautiful in that you grew so much in such a huge way over the short course of a weekend, but ALSO beautiful because of how clearly you were able to identify and explain the dynamics of what went on for you and that town, joel, etc. i'd say having that clarity is what makes you leaps and bounds above most others in the grown-up department. thank you for sharing. it's really inspiring to take a look at some of my own areas of life that i'm avoiding or keeping locked away in a "you are bad" box.
August 13, 2011 at 3:58 AM
Unknown said…
It sounds like we are going through a lot of the same stuff in our lives right now, and it's so nice to hear other people put what I'm thinking in to words. Thank you for that! xoxo
August 13, 2011 at 4:32 AM
shopgirl said…
This is such a sweet post and it's a coming of age too. I love the end part about forgiveness. It really is something we can all empathize with.

xoxo wishing you a great weekend my friend!
August 13, 2011 at 8:15 AM
Poppies and Sunshine said…
Oh how important it is to let go and forgive...yet one of the hardest things to do! I am glad you were able to get to the place where you were able to do that! It is freeing!
August 13, 2011 at 7:11 PM
Gracey said…
They say that in letting you go, you get your hands free to grasp more things the world is in-store for you. :)

I'm so proud of you. Your soul understands a vast of things.

Happy Weekend dear! ;)
August 14, 2011 at 10:55 PM
ellie's desk said…
Aw..I think those are the hardest moments to get through before finding a way to deal with it.

Some places are just uncomfortable..I'm so glad you got through it..happily..which is no easy feat.

Sorry I didn't get to comment earlier.
August 15, 2011 at 12:47 PM
lucy and sarah said…
I just have a feeling I couldn't have gotten through it ...like you did. Very inspiring.

There are some scary neighborhoods here. Very violent. You just hate to be at the right place for something very wrong to happen. You are very brave.
August 15, 2011 at 12:50 PM
Mimi said…
that is a really good quote to keep in mind! :D

<3, Mimi
http://whatmimiwrites.blogspot.com/
August 15, 2011 at 4:31 PM
Rosy Revolver said…
Teary.

The perfect post for me today.

Much love,
JJ
August 16, 2011 at 2:44 AM
Victoria said…
Sounds lovely !! I needed to get away too, this weekend ! And so I did ^^ It was well-needed! :)
And really nice written :)
August 16, 2011 at 8:03 AM
Anonymous said…
Oh wow. I'm sure we all go back to our hometowns with a bit of dread. Kudos for pushing through.
August 17, 2011 at 4:31 AM
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