Thank you guys for your nice comments! I might put up photos when I get them, I’m a bit embarrassed though! But seriously, you guys made my day :)
This past week has been a crazy, confusing one. I have been on top of the world one day, feeling like I can do anything I put my mind to; but then the next day seeing just how limited my options are and crashing all over again.
I don’t think that I am very good at this whole growing up thing. I see my friends; with their fancy office jobs, their new things, their stability and think: ‘why couldn’t I be satisfied with what they have?’
I feel like I missed out on the graduation ceremony. The one where all of my friends got promoted to the role of ‘adult’, and I’m stuck here in this in-between phase.
I just can’t be realistic. It’s not who I am. Or rather it WAS, a long time ago, but it’s not anymore.
We’re told when we are younger that we can do anything we put our minds to. But as soon as we pass the age of fifteen, we settle. Because that’s what we’re expected to do. I tried to. I really did. I went to uni like a good little girl, got my degree that could set me up in an office job for life; but then realised that I CANNOT WORK IN AN OFFICE and went back to do another degree. Put an adult life on hold for a while.
At Christmas I realised I only have one year left before that’s it. My CAREER would begin. In 12 months. So I went part-time to drag it out that one year longer.
I don’t know if I want to be a teacher. Some part of me really does of course. It’s great. It’s rewarding. But then another part of me wants more.
Sorry for harping on and on about the same subject. But this is what I have been thinking about constantly these last few weeks.
I don’t understand my friends at all. I wish I did, but I don’t. Where did the kids go that knew that they could do anything they dreamed? When was a grown-up job the only option?
They’re happy. They’re really happy actually.
But I can’t be happy that way.
I don’t want to ever have an office-based career. I don’t ever want to have a stable 9-5 job. I want excitement, passion, adventure. I want to travel the world. I want to create. I want to change lives. And yes, I’m pretty resigned to poverty as well.
One thing I hate is this indecisiveness. This fear. Because it’s all well and good to say all of this; but what if I try and fail? What if I end up ears deep in debt, wishing I had settled for safe? So I’m talking, researching and slowly testing out the options. But I’m also finishing off my degree.
It doesn’t feel like the best of both worlds right now. It feels like a juggling act. Half-halfheartedly doing both and something has to give.
I wrote a list the other day. Of all the things that I’m good at. All of the things I would love to do with my life. And it didn’t help me at all.
It is the same list I would have written ten years ago.
It is completely unrealistic. Crazy, even.
I do NOT like not knowing where I am going. It is something I have always avoided. It is scary. Very, very scary.
Exciting as well, some days, because of all the opportunities stretching out before me. Suffocating at others, because those ‘opportunities’ may never be feasible.
So I ask you, dear readers. Do any of you have any advice? Is anyone else in the same boat? Have any of you given a big middle-finger salute to the world and just gone for it, realism be damned?