Friday, September 30, 2011

lessons I learned from a romantic

Firstly, thank you for all for your wonderful comments. You guys are seriously the most inspiring group of people I know. In fact, I made everyone I know read your comments to show them how insightful and amazing you are, and they agreed!

And secondly, sorry about my absence. Someone very close to me just went through their first break up (and boy oh boy was it a nasty one. I don’t want to share personal details, but trust me, it was horrible), and so I have moved in with them for a couple of weeks.

Seeing her go through this was been just awful, but seeing her recover? Now THAT is amazing. This girl has been so amazing and strong about the whole thing; and considering I am the type of person to melt down when Joel gets the wrong type of milk or when I run out of shampoo, she has been teaching me so much.
But what she ended up really teaching me surprised even myself. You see, I am not a romantic. Not in the slightest. Neither is Joel. While we love each other (obviously; I’m not in the habit of marrying people I don’t love), it is in a very independent way. We have our own lives, as well as our life with each other.

And I hate to say it, but I judged this girl. Because she fell hard. She did not hold back. She committed to him completely, with every bone in her body. And I was not happy to see this. Because what if it didn’t work out? I loved her, and she would be hurt. And so I kept trying to warn her, to tell her to pull back just a little bit.

And I was right, it didn’t work out.

But she was okay.

And I realised that maybe I was wrong. Her ability to trust and love completely, without any reservations, is not something I should be trying to stamp out of her for fear she might get hurt again. It’s actually a gift. While this time she happened to give it to the wrong  man, one day she will give it to the right man. And that man will then be the luckiest guy in the whole world.

Life is too short for doubts. Holding back for fear of getting hurt could ruin something that could have been wonderful if only you had let yourself feel it completely. And yes, you probably will get hurt. No one gets it right the first time. But you will recover. And move on. And find someone worthy of all that love that you have to offer.

So everyone: Love as much and as hard as you can. Don’t hold back. Scream it from the rooftops (if you happen to be near one and no one else but your love is around...). And tell them. Tell them everyday. Let them hear it in your words, see if in your eyes, and taste in on your skin. And don't let an unromantic like me tell you otherwise.


ps. I am not in any way saying to put your happiness in someone else’s hands. I really believe that unless you’re happy alone, you can’t be happy with someone else. But this loving completely is a whole different kettle of fish, and one that I strongly encourage.

24 comments:

kay said...

"I really believe that unless you’re happy alone, you can’t be happy with someone else. But this loving completely is a whole different kettle of fish, and one that I strongly encourage."

Made me so inspired and made me feel tons better.
Thank you :)

ChinkyGirLMeL said...

Awww...I have always been such a romantic and I love surprising my special someone. I got hurt once but luckily I found Mr. Right and being romantic together is the best way to go. But we don't go overboard on being romantic, it is nice to add some spice into the relationship every now and then. In any relationship be in friendship or love I like to give it all I've got, in the end if something goes wrong I would hate to sit down and realize that I didn't give it my best.

Hazel said...

Aww I hope your friend is okay! But I'm glad that you've been able to learn things from her :)

Sabrina said...

I so agree with you that you can't be happy with someone else if you're not happy on your own.

Other than that, what a lovely post this is! It shows that no matter how universal love is, we all handle it differently on individual level. It's just a thought but maybe the key to a healthy and happy relationship is loving someone who loves you back similarly. Not in amounts, but in ways.

Anyway, you got me to think about this. Inspiring post!

Norwegian Señorita said...

How lucky your friend is to have you there to support her, and how lucky you are to be able to learn from her hurtful experiences!

It's wonderful to give 100% with no fear, but it's not easy.. Especially if you've done it once and paid for it with a broken heart. It's far easier to find reasons and excuses to be cautious and hold back "just in case"...

Love really is a hard puzzle, we are all so different, with our individual opinions and ways of living & thinking...

Loved the post, hope your friend is getting better every day!
(And thank you for your lovely comment!)

ellie's desk said...

What can I say..everyday is a roller-coaster. Thank goodness we have those someones to share it with. But it gets complicated.

I'm hoping you have a great weekend. I'm sure you have lots to do..still..to get ready for your trip..& I think that is what gets us through now..the future.

lucy and sarah said...

I love reading about your everyday adventures.

Truly, love is complex. Balancing it all out. Although, I do recognize the things I hate about my significant other. Its never perfect. Sometimes, I go over it in my head, what I do to irritate him. Am I doing it on purpose? I try not.

Thanks again, for the note.

Kunal said...

HI..

Really liked how even an unpleasant situation could teach us so much..yes..while..giving love and trusting someone completely and wholeheartedly..there is always a fear of getting hurt..but..if it works out...there is nothing else so beautiful in the world...and may be..when it does not work out..it still gives us a chance to offer everything we have to give to someone who deserves it!

Thank You

demie said...

i have been alone many years of my life... before i met my (now) husband my longest relationship was 8 months! i was 28... and i loved him complitely. i moved to his country. i carried our kids in my belly ( well that was no fun i promise you!) i stil love him nuts! and i was and i still am a romantic and i will never change... if one day he just goes ... well it will hurt. a lot. but romantic people have a weird way to survive. some kind of strength others don`t even know it exists... good luck to your friend. i am happy for her. now she can be alone before ... things change again : ) by the way it s always nice to have a good friend for support. so she is a lucky girl to have had you : )

Love said...

the pain can be killing... and it can scare the bravest of ppl... and i am still scared... of being hurt... but u r rite... fear does kill the fun of being crazy in love... and until u dont be that u miss the bestest of joy of ur lives... so ill try to get reckless once more! :)

hehe! but as we grow the madness has to mellow down... for somehow when u become responsible in love... love has other treats to offer... and everything has a time...time to be swept off ur feet and time to gain the grounds again and ensure the steadiness returns to build a more stable life for future generation...

kimbirdy said...

in all honesty, i had a hard time reading this. not because i think you're wrong, but because i have a lot of fears about loving completely. "vulnerability" is pretty much the nastiest word i can think of, and i try to avoid it at all costs. the thing is, i lived alone for so long and had such an independent young womanhood, that i'm terrified of losing that if i let down my guard to my partner. sometimes i wish we were one of those couples who still had separate apartments. it's tough and blogland makes me feel so disgusted sometimes. it seems that everyone is totally, completely, head-over-heels in love with their husbands. they want to spend every moment together and a night away is devastating. i love my husband, but i am not at all like that. we too live our very independent lives and i like it that way. my husband comes from a more traditional family though, and i know he'd like it if we were closer, less like roommates. i don't have any sort of resolution yet in this part of my life. it's just one of those things in life that asks you to grow and challenge yourself and it's scary and unknown territory, but which will work itself out in time.

Aquí said...

break ups are so hard! Especially those really nasty ones. Its one of THE worst feelings out there. That sinking, pit of your stomach feeling? ug, I hate that. Its always nice to hear that a girl is picking herself up and dusting herself off and trying to move forward. My first really awful breakup took me years to get over! (very depressing few years)

Mandy said...

Sorry for your friend!

I had a rough break up and was on/off again with my now husband...but things work out for a reason I believe and we couldn't be happier now!

Malin said...

As someone who 'recently' got dumped by her boyfriend, I just want to say THANK YOU! for being there for your friend. I too was completely committed to my boy, but when I fell, it was bad. I was broken. Unfortunately the one friend who was supposed to be there for me (my closest one, where I used to live) completely failed me. Of course, others were there for me, and it's what made me get up again.
It just makes me feel so happy, hearing about all the love & caring from one friend to another. :)

Ashley Nixon said...

You really can't be happy with someone else if you aren't happy yourself. Very true!

I look at my relationship and get scared a lot because he's my longest most, first serious relationship...and I know I was the one who encouraged WANTED the relationship to happen. I wondered at first if I had read too much, forced him into something he didn't want to pursue...but guys don't pursue anything they don't want.

He's also afraid to fail in relationships...and HE gives everything he has for it.

Krystal said...

it sounds like you had a huge learning experience with this! i like your insight, that her ability to fall totally in is a gift, i definitely agree!

iris said...

Oh man, don't even talk to me about heart-wrenching break ups. I'm still scarred from my last one, nearly two years ago.

It's crazy how some people can actually bounce back and recover, while others are stuck with never-ending grudges. I'm an angry romantic ;)

Bonnie said...

Breakups can really destroy someone's life. I have gone through my own horrible, awful, life-destroying breakups, and it is just ... awful. I'm so glad that you have been supporting your friend. I wish I had a girlfriend like you when I was going through that.

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Deidre said...

Amen to this whole thing. It is so important to be able to be alone before you can be in a relationship - but I agree, you might as well fall hard, because holding back isn't much fun either!

Ashley said...

Nice post lady. I'm an unromantic too. ha. I have yet to give my whole self. but we shall see ;)

Jo said...

I love this.
You are an awesome friend to care so much that you looked within, saw past your different relationship "styles", and learned from your friend. And, I'm sure she's learned from you, as well.
I guess, for me, what it boils down to is that life is too short not to fall hard. :)
xox

Katie said...

How sweet. I'd still be fearful that she might burn out that love and trust on the wrong guys. I don't think discernment is a bad trait to have. And yet, we need more romantics in the world! Nothing easy about life, I suppose.

♥ Kaylan said...

this is so true, but something i struggle with as well. i love the one i am with, but i, too, am a hopeless romantic. it sometimes makes our relationship difficult because i expect the same in return. maybe people like your friend and i need to find a match just as loving and romantic and someone that falls as hard as we do. it can be hard to understand how someone doesn't want to be equally as romantic, but i sometimes have to step back and realize, it doesn't mean he loves me any less. being a romantic just isn't for everyone.

Anonymous said...

beautiful...
I came to the same conclusion some time ago. Breaking up won't get any easier, no matter how much we may have tried to be 'careful' with our loving before, or to be 'prepared' for anything to happen.
It hurts, so very much, to loose love.
What's the point of holding back then?
What's the point of not giving your very all and loving completely? How many times are we allowed to try anyway?