I was playing my keyboard the other day. Playing like I always do. Timidly, carefully. Second guessing myself. Refusing to trust these fingers that had played the same tune so many times before. These fingers that knew exactly where they were meant to be. Instead I held them back, refusing to let myself be in the moment. Refusing to feel the music. To live it. And there I sat, terrified of making a mistake. But my second guessing, my timidness, leads me to miss keys; my fingers slipping and stumbling, tripping over the music. But I’m playing so quietly that it’s impossible to hear anyway.
And so I took a breath. Felt the moment. And realised that I am tired of this timidness. I know what to do. I know where I am supposed to be. But I am so worried about making mistakes that I hold back. I go through everything as quietly as can be, trying not to make too much noise. Because what if I make a mistake, and everyone can hear?
But when I took that breath, I relaxed. And I played. Without worry. Without embarrassment. As loudly as I could. Don’t get me wrong, there were still mistakes. Loud ones. I basked in the cacophony of missed notes and poor timing. Of things not working out exactly the way I had planned. Because the music between those mistakes was worth it. It was perfectly flawed. It soared through the room, filling every corner. My timing was off. I know I missed numerous pauses. I played loudly when it was meant to be soft, and softly when it was meant to be loud. But I played from the heart. I let pieces of myself fill the air, and I wasn’t ashamed that everyone could see them. I wasn’t ashamed of my mistakes.
That’s how I want to live. I want to own my mistakes and the beautifully flawed music between them. The music that no one could replicate, even if the notes were in front of them. Just as I could never replicate theirs.
I don’t want to be timid; slipping and stumbling through life. Trying not be noticed. I want to soar. I want to create. I want to charge through life and follow my heart. I want to play my own tune as loudly as I can, mistakes and all.
And I want the world to hear it.