I was playing my keyboard the other day. Playing like I always do. Timidly, carefully. Second guessing myself. Refusing to trust these fingers that had played the same tune so many times before. These fingers that knew exactly where they were meant to be. Instead I held them back, refusing to let myself be in the moment. Refusing to feel the music. To live it. And there I sat, terrified of making a mistake. But my second guessing, my timidness, leads me to miss keys; my fingers slipping and stumbling, tripping over the music. But I’m playing so quietly that it’s impossible to hear anyway.
And so I took a breath. Felt the moment. And realised that I am tired of this timidness. I know what to do. I know where I am supposed to be. But I am so worried about making mistakes that I hold back. I go through everything as quietly as can be, trying not to make too much noise. Because what if I make a mistake, and everyone can hear?
But when I took that breath, I relaxed. And I played. Without worry. Without embarrassment. As loudly as I could. Don’t get me wrong, there were still mistakes. Loud ones. I basked in the cacophony of missed notes and poor timing. Of things not working out exactly the way I had planned. Because the music between those mistakes was worth it. It was perfectly flawed. It soared through the room, filling every corner. My timing was off. I know I missed numerous pauses. I played loudly when it was meant to be soft, and softly when it was meant to be loud. But I played from the heart. I let pieces of myself fill the air, and I wasn’t ashamed that everyone could see them. I wasn’t ashamed of my mistakes.
That’s how I want to live. I want to own my mistakes and the beautifully flawed music between them. The music that no one could replicate, even if the notes were in front of them. Just as I could never replicate theirs.
I don’t want to be timid; slipping and stumbling through life. Trying not be noticed. I want to soar. I want to create. I want to charge through life and follow my heart. I want to play my own tune as loudly as I can, mistakes and all.
And I want the world to hear it.
Comments
It's difficult to be the best when you're held back by a fear of mistakes.
So I don't even try to play the keyboard. See, you've taken the first step. Trust yourself. I know you can do it.
So, go forth, make lots of mistakes and enjoy the results of learning from them!
I wish you all the best of luck with your endeavours.
And by the way, I am hugely excited for the start of next year when the movie of The Great Gatsby comes out! It will be great, because it's a Baz Luhrman and Leonardo DiCaprio number, and they could make anything brilliant. Fitzgerald is definitely one of the most wonderful writers I have ever 'met'!
Take care.
Ps. I really apprciate what you said about my writing. Thankyou for your offer and your encouragement.
And I want the world to hear it".
Perfectly said. Beautifully written.
It is always best to know who we are and what we want in life,
after that it becomes easier to go after what we want or who we want to be.
Have a wonderful week ahead ♥
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The other day, I took out my guitar and started practicing. It was out of tune but felt good.
I totally can sympathize with this. My friend gave me an IQ test months ago (she's a therapist going to school). I did very well in the verbal area of the test. But when it came to performance (puzzles, blocks, etc.) I did poorly...always because I second-guessed. She said I would build the right puzzle, look at it, then tear it down and build it the wrong way. It brought by whole IQ score to average rather than above average...which is no biggie, but it taught a lesson.
I decided from that moment that I would stop second-guessing so much, and just go with the flow more. And I have been actually :)
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First time on your blog but I'll be coming back!